Spring Break
United States currency no longer 'cool'
Johnathan Kastner
Issue date: 4/15/09 Section: Opinion
With the economy collapsing around us and the end of all life one Dow Jones-quake away, it's important to keep our wits about us and remember, whatever your political affiliation, that the other guy did it. And he did it because he hates children.
This is what the news tells me, and you can always trust the news because it is staffed by experts. Experts are people who, from my observation, have two very important qualities -- fear and anger. Understanding the complicated basis for our economy does not an expert make -- it's all about the fear rage.
Now that I've established my credentials, I'm going to explain, as simply as possible, why tuition is going up, why you can't find a job and why housing values are quickly matching the cost of firewood. It's because our money is not cool right now.
Money is a fabricated concept. If you don't follow this, first of all, shame on you. Secondly, don't feel bad -- here's an experiment to help you out. Tear out my article, write the words "a jillion dollars" on it, and see if the economy gets better. Didn't work, did it? But when the government does that, except with nicer papers and inks, it may very well work. We hope.
So to recap -- money isn't real, and it certainly isn't cool. How did this affect tuition, though, which affects our very real access to Ramen and fast food? It all goes back to pogs.
Pogs, a game involving colorful pieces of cheap cardboard, was cool in the 90s. If you weren't alive in the 90s, you probably don't remember how cool it was to knock those little cardboard discs around, treasuring each and every victory and the resulting rise in self worth. But suddenly, something tragic happened -- pogs weren't cool any more!
To those of us that had all our self worth invested in pogs, this made no sense. They were cool a few days ago. What happened?
Pretty much nothing is what happened. A fad died.
Somewhere, some Patient Zero child woke up one morning, looked at the cardboard circles littering his room, and said, "Nuts to this. I'm getting into Pokémon." Soon, all around the nation, a magic yellow rat monster and his abusive owner were all the rage, leaving those of us with vast collections of pogs we were scrambling to unload before the market tanked. Hint -- pogs make the most uncomfortable beanbag chairs known to man.
This is what the news tells me, and you can always trust the news because it is staffed by experts. Experts are people who, from my observation, have two very important qualities -- fear and anger. Understanding the complicated basis for our economy does not an expert make -- it's all about the fear rage.
Now that I've established my credentials, I'm going to explain, as simply as possible, why tuition is going up, why you can't find a job and why housing values are quickly matching the cost of firewood. It's because our money is not cool right now.
Money is a fabricated concept. If you don't follow this, first of all, shame on you. Secondly, don't feel bad -- here's an experiment to help you out. Tear out my article, write the words "a jillion dollars" on it, and see if the economy gets better. Didn't work, did it? But when the government does that, except with nicer papers and inks, it may very well work. We hope.
So to recap -- money isn't real, and it certainly isn't cool. How did this affect tuition, though, which affects our very real access to Ramen and fast food? It all goes back to pogs.
Pogs, a game involving colorful pieces of cheap cardboard, was cool in the 90s. If you weren't alive in the 90s, you probably don't remember how cool it was to knock those little cardboard discs around, treasuring each and every victory and the resulting rise in self worth. But suddenly, something tragic happened -- pogs weren't cool any more!
To those of us that had all our self worth invested in pogs, this made no sense. They were cool a few days ago. What happened?
Pretty much nothing is what happened. A fad died.
Somewhere, some Patient Zero child woke up one morning, looked at the cardboard circles littering his room, and said, "Nuts to this. I'm getting into Pokémon." Soon, all around the nation, a magic yellow rat monster and his abusive owner were all the rage, leaving those of us with vast collections of pogs we were scrambling to unload before the market tanked. Hint -- pogs make the most uncomfortable beanbag chairs known to man.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Such typical hate speech...
posted 4/15/09 @ 9:34 PM MST
Well naturally you want us to hate Pikachu, because you're part of the tired two-party system that's been stealing our freedom since the New Deal!
See beyond the lies! Pikachu supports Ron Paul for a 2012 presidency! Pikachu knows when his squirrel/rat/cat-thing rights have been impugned! He's one of the many fictional characters who throwing their imaginary weight beyond Paul!
www. (Continued…)
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