Spring Break
Time has come to defend man against the animal kingdom
Brian Lancaster
Issue date: 3/11/09 Section: Opinion
Readers, I wish to use my time this week to share with you some rather frightening developments from around the world. I don't necessarily wish to scare you into mass hysteria, though if that's what happens, I don't think I'll be able to blame anyone but myself.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that this column is going to be so important that Associated Press and other mass publishers will pick this column up and distribute it among other newsgroups. Accordingly, I will address the rest of this column to the audience that I am truly meant to write to: the people of Earth.
Anyway, people of Earth, there's been an alarming increase of news stories recently that deal with an issue that I honestly didn't want to have to deal with. But, seeing as I have a duty to fulfill, I must warn you all that we are in grave danger. These news stories are so alarming that a mere three paragraph suspenseful introduction would never do it justice, but sadly, I have a word count limit.
People of Earth, I will put it bluntly: The animals of this world are sick of our crap.
I don't necessarily know what we did to piss them off so much (do they have stock?), but they aren't taking it sitting down anymore. Around the world, there are stories of animal violence against humans in ways that I have rarely seen before, outside of the now defunct Animal Liberation Front.
One story, published by BBC news on Monday, told the story of a man who had to defend his family from the terrifying onslaught of a raging kangaroo while wearing only his Bonds brand underwear. The kangaroo was so vicious that it went straight for the man's young son, forcing the man into action against his marsupial attacker.
Even scarier, however, is another story printed by BBC on the same day. This second article relates the tale of a chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo that picks up and stores rocks in his enclosure for his personal use later. What does he use them for, you ask?
He throws them at people.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that this column is going to be so important that Associated Press and other mass publishers will pick this column up and distribute it among other newsgroups. Accordingly, I will address the rest of this column to the audience that I am truly meant to write to: the people of Earth.
Anyway, people of Earth, there's been an alarming increase of news stories recently that deal with an issue that I honestly didn't want to have to deal with. But, seeing as I have a duty to fulfill, I must warn you all that we are in grave danger. These news stories are so alarming that a mere three paragraph suspenseful introduction would never do it justice, but sadly, I have a word count limit.
People of Earth, I will put it bluntly: The animals of this world are sick of our crap.
I don't necessarily know what we did to piss them off so much (do they have stock?), but they aren't taking it sitting down anymore. Around the world, there are stories of animal violence against humans in ways that I have rarely seen before, outside of the now defunct Animal Liberation Front.
One story, published by BBC news on Monday, told the story of a man who had to defend his family from the terrifying onslaught of a raging kangaroo while wearing only his Bonds brand underwear. The kangaroo was so vicious that it went straight for the man's young son, forcing the man into action against his marsupial attacker.
Even scarier, however, is another story printed by BBC on the same day. This second article relates the tale of a chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo that picks up and stores rocks in his enclosure for his personal use later. What does he use them for, you ask?
He throws them at people.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Craig Hawley
posted 3/11/09 @ 1:23 AM MST
You touch my dog you are a dead man walking. LOL
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