Spring Break
When the world ends, be prepared
Alex Stephens
Issue date: 3/6/09 Section: Opinion
Here it is. I'm about to give you, the precious reader and potential savior of civilization, one of three things. This will either be the best, worst or at least mildly amusing chunk of advice you'll ever receive. Ready? Go.
It's really no secret that the economy is spiraling out of control. No one, not even the president and his crack team of economists, seems to know what to do.
George W. Bush tried bailing out some of the key banks back in September, which didn't work. He tried bailing out the auto industry. That didn't work either. President Barack Obama is doing the same with the same results.
Europe is in financial ruins. Last I checked, British stock brokers were cannibalizing each other and Iceland has ceased to exist. Times are dreary.
It won't get any better. With the latest news of financial giant AIG plunging deep into the red (of which it is said will take the rest of the world with it), I think it's high time we prepare for the worst: a complete collapse of society followed by an indefinite dive into anarchy.
Now's the best time to get ready, while most of us still have some savings. Go out and use your paper money to trade for objects that have actual value while you still can and take this prioritized shopping list with you.
First and foremost you need guns. Why? Because with weapons you can pillage the other necessities you forgot to buy.
I recommend ammo-free weapons as well, such as machetes and axes -- they can double as tools and are also great on zombies.
It's essential to buy a low caliber rifle in order to hunt small animals for food, like rabbits, foxes and your neighbor's dogs and cats. Better lower your meal standards, too, if you want to survive. Before you know it you'll be eye-balling your fat comrade and wondering how many weeks worth of nourishment they could provide.
Next, you'll need all the non-perishable, storage-efficient food possible. High calorie stuff is the best, like dog chow. If you're feeling fancy, buy all your favorite foods now, grind them together and can it yourself. Ta da, pizza-burrito-banana surprise -- everything your body needs.
It's really no secret that the economy is spiraling out of control. No one, not even the president and his crack team of economists, seems to know what to do.
George W. Bush tried bailing out some of the key banks back in September, which didn't work. He tried bailing out the auto industry. That didn't work either. President Barack Obama is doing the same with the same results.
Europe is in financial ruins. Last I checked, British stock brokers were cannibalizing each other and Iceland has ceased to exist. Times are dreary.
It won't get any better. With the latest news of financial giant AIG plunging deep into the red (of which it is said will take the rest of the world with it), I think it's high time we prepare for the worst: a complete collapse of society followed by an indefinite dive into anarchy.
Now's the best time to get ready, while most of us still have some savings. Go out and use your paper money to trade for objects that have actual value while you still can and take this prioritized shopping list with you.
First and foremost you need guns. Why? Because with weapons you can pillage the other necessities you forgot to buy.
I recommend ammo-free weapons as well, such as machetes and axes -- they can double as tools and are also great on zombies.
It's essential to buy a low caliber rifle in order to hunt small animals for food, like rabbits, foxes and your neighbor's dogs and cats. Better lower your meal standards, too, if you want to survive. Before you know it you'll be eye-balling your fat comrade and wondering how many weeks worth of nourishment they could provide.
Next, you'll need all the non-perishable, storage-efficient food possible. High calorie stuff is the best, like dog chow. If you're feeling fancy, buy all your favorite foods now, grind them together and can it yourself. Ta da, pizza-burrito-banana surprise -- everything your body needs.
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 2
Kerrie
posted 3/06/09 @ 11:10 AM MST
I found this article to be refreshing, hilarious, and all too close to reality!! Thanks for a great stress reliever on a Friday. GREAT JOB!
Albuquerque Shannon
posted 3/07/09 @ 1:14 PM MST
Kind of a revived "safety valve theory"- i say we make some free land available "up west" for just this sort of endeavor. Sounds like a unique doctoral dissertation. (Continued…)
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